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Last night I had a dream about you. To be accurate - it was more of a nightmare. I woke up sobbing and feeling so lost and betrayed and it took me a few minutes to make sense of the confusion I felt when I first woke. Honestly, I'm still kind of confused. Because I really don't know what brought it on. I don't know why you were in my dream as you have long since become only a faded chapter of a book I once read...and yet there you were making me feel so hurt and abandoned once again. Weird. Unsettling. I'm not the type to wish for things in the past to change. For one thing, it's silly and pointless, and for another thing I know that without the past I probably wouldn't be where I am now, which is somewhere I like very much. But this morning when I woke up I wish the part of my life you were written on was a dry erase board and someone would hand me a wet cloth. Luckily I was able to snuggle up against my hubby and go back to sleep, this time it was a peaceful sleep. Labels: let's just pretend this never happened, to sleep perchance to dream
Thursday, June 18, 2009
As I was driving to pick Paul up from his downtown San Francisco office today, I noticed a protest off in the distance. I was getting prepared to sigh and roll my eyes when I pulled closer and noticed a big sign that read: NO CARD CHECK. There were an assortment of other signs saying things like "preserve the secret ballot" and I wish I had my camera because I was honestly shocked. I honked, waved and gave them all a big thumbs up and they waved and smiled back at me. When I collected my husband I told him what I was seen and he was confused for a moment, wait they were protesting against card check? In San Francisco? See, there is still some common sense left in this beautiful city! Labels: card check, Politics
Friday, June 05, 2009
Argh! I just spent five hours of my Friday afternoon waiting at home for a package that FedEx just decided to update the delivery date for. So it actually won't be coming until Monday. This is all especially irritating because due to the fact that I knew the address had been corrected from the original (my mistake, I accidentally gave my parents' zip code), I called customer service this afternoon to make sure the change had been processed. I was assured that it had been and that the package was out for delivery today. So I bailed out on drinks with coworkers (and then opted not to meet up with Paul and his friends) so I could stay home and wait for the package. Of course when I called with 15 minutes left to go during the delivery window I was told, oops, since the change wasn't processed until today, the package actually wouldn't be delivered til Monday, and uh, oh now the online tracking has been updated too. Is there anything else I can help you with? You'd think that in this economy companies could hire people who aren't untrained idiots to work in customer service...Neither of the people I spoke with seemed to know how to use the system to properly track the changes. Annoying. Labels: Annoyances
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
I've been writing posts the last few days and then deleting them without hitting publish. There hasn't been any one single topic, just a general catalog of how sucky I've been feeling. Let's face it, I don't really have a right to feel as crappy as I do. I am so lucky and blessed and should just be thankful for what I've got instead of sulking and spending large chunks of my day navel-gazing and over-thinking things to the point of unhappiness. If someone were to ask me what's wrong I'd be hard pressed to find an answer that didn't make me sound like a spoiled, ungrateful little brat. Hopefully recognizing how stupidly negative I'm being is the first step towards contentment. there's a light at the end of this tunnel Labels: Depression, Life
Today Paul asked me if I thought LeBron was a sore loser for not congratulating the Magic after losing Game 6 - and his hope for a 2009 championship ring - to them yesterday. No, I told him. He has never been a LeBron fan (he will deny this if you ask him now and say he is neutral but I distinctly remember having a conversation with him this past season about why he doesn't like LeBron) so he replied that he does, in fact, think LeBron is a sore loser. Admittedly, I am a LeBron fan so I may be a bit biased myself, but nothing that has ever been reported about LeBron suggests to me that he is a sore loser. To me, the reason he didn't congratulate the Magic is simple. I asked my husband if he had ever been so disappointed in himself, so crushed by the hopes and expectations he had placed on himself that the thought of even being near someone else who had achieved what he hadn't was unbearable? And it's not even really about that other person, it's not about resenting what they have achieved, it's more that their achievement reminds you how you have failed so miserably. Labels: Basketball, Random
Friday, May 29, 2009
Limbo. I been there. In fact, I am there. These last few weeks, months, I've been gripped by feeling deeply unhappy and unsatisfied, but also really grateful for what I do have. Does that make any sense? Let me give you an example: work. I get really depressed thinking that this may be it, this might be as far as I get, that twenty years from now I will find myself in the same seat as my uneducated, incurious manager who is happy to spend her days on personal calls as long as she can say she is The Manager. It's a terrifying thought and to be honest there are very few people like her coming into the industry nowadays...most are much more ambitious which is what brings them into banking to begin with. Anyway, while I fret about things like where the hell is my career going, I also feel unbelievably luckily and grateful that I even still have a job to wonder about at all. I know there are many out there who don't have the luxury of bitching about their job anymore and I don't take that for granted. Plus, in this industry, no one really feels as though there's such a thing as "job security" anymore. Here today, gone tomorrow as they say...I pretty much feel a sense of relief when my key card works when I get to the office every morning. So yes, I am extremely grateful to still have my job and I do actually love a lot of things about it and try to remind myself of this every day (it really is a great job for now but probably not five years from now). Then I ask myself, am I happy? And I know the answer to that is probably no. Am I unhappy? I don't know. Maybe? Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I just need to quit that attitude like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I need to stop being such a control freak, trying to figure it all out right now and just let it be. Sigh. Oh well. Labels: Depression, Life
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This morning I woke up with this horrible feeling. Like I had taken sleeping pills and then blogged something all woe-is-me-wah-boo-hoo. Even though I was already late for work, I quickly checked my website before running out the door and was quite relieved to see that I hadn't posted anything. Still, I went through my day and couldn't shake the feeling that I had done something on the internet last night in an Ambien daze. Lo and behold when I get home this afternoon and check blogger, there it is in draft form. A rambling post about how I am too surrounded by negativity and need to be more positive and find peace in my life. Go back to the Lord. And also why the Cavs will never fire Mike Brown as long as they have LeBron James to make him look good (even though they so totally should fire Mike Brown and it is a freakin' travesty that he got COY). I think I'm going to quit taking sleeping pills since they apparently, um, fail to actually put me to sleep? Go figure. Labels: Basketball, God, to sleep perchance to dream
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